Saturday, April 7, 2007
Fencing off my Childhood
I had the saddest realization today. I am grown-up. I mean, you think that the seven kids and husband and my own home and all of that would have tipped me off, but no. Apparently not. Today, I went to my mom's house and saw that the neighbors have built a fence between Mom and Dad's house and the house that my best friend growing up lived in. Actually, her family doesn't even live there anymore, but still... There are moments when it feels like I am just playing house or babysitting and I will go home, and run through the backyard to Amanda's and play. No more. I guess I really is over.
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Yeah. I guess we all go through that experience. I was thinking just this week that I feel a big disconnect between my life before BYU and after. I pretty much have a new life now. I'm not friends with any of my friends from before, I live far away in a totally different place, do different things with my time, etc.
One thing that occurred to me is that it must be kind of like dying. You leave everything you know and go on to a new life. Just as I long to be back with our family and do the fun things we used to do, that must be how we will feel then. It's temple sealings that allow that to happen. Without it, we really would just get a new life in a new place and probably feel homesick for our old life, though we would make do the way I do now.
There's no going back though. It's like floating down a river. Every second, the water changes and so does the scenery. The conditions you were in before just don't exist anymore. The people have changed and moved on just like you. I guess you just have to do your best to steer yourself through a good future.
This makes me so sad I feel like crying. (OK, I am crying a little bit.) I miss having you kids home. This house is too quiet. But of course I need to move on and appreciate what I do have at this stage of my life. I've really been so blessed to have the family that I have.
Leah, I want to tell you what a nice spirit there is in your home. When all the kids were there this weekend, the older ones were always helping the little ones and were so sweet to them. Jessica asked how she could help get the kids ready for the Easter egg hunt; Neil hid the eggs with her. William and Kira ran up to me and gave me big hugs. You have a wonderful family. I think you and Dusty are doing a great job.
I remember when Rich left home for college thinking how sad that our family was starting to disperse. I really loved having all you kids at home and was sorry to see you go. I thought was cool when all seven of us had a seat in the Grand Caravan. I am so glad that everyone keeps in touch and is so supportive of big events in the family like Reed's wedding and Leah's temple endowment. One constant you can count on is that mom and I love you and your families and you'll always be our kids.
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