Little Girl Lost

On Saturday, I had one of the worst experiences of my life. It was brief, but I am completely traumatized.

Dusty and I were both doing work in the back yard. For those who don't know our house, a portion of the backyard is fenced off where the dogs live and there is a swing set and a sandbox. The rest of it is open to allow access to the fencing building. The garden is also in that area. Then, behind the fencing building, on the other side of an ally, and with raised sides, is a canal. I was planting the garden (and it really was 100 times more work than it sounds like- shoveling, hoe-ing, raking, weeding, adding in compost, and planting [oh, and btw, after all of that work it snowed today]) and Dusty was building a chicken coop on the other side of the fencing building. We worked and the girls played all morning.

In the early afternoon, we had to pick up a few things to finish up our respective projects, and after we got back from the store, we ran into our neighbors. They suggested that the girls would have fun playing with their daughters next door. That sounded good to all of us, and Petra and Talia headed over there to play. Dusty and I went back to work. Honestly, I didn't hate it until the very end. By that time, I was so exhausted that I didn't give a flying flip about much of anything, but I was determined to finish the garden so that it wouldn't just get put off forever. Finally, I was done. Hurrah! Dusty and I took a moment to tidy up, and I went next door to get the girls. The fence between our yards is solid wood, so I hadn't been able to see them for the last couple of hours. I called, "Petra! Talia! It's time to come home!" and Petra says, "Talia's not here, she went home."

My heart stopped. I screamed to Dusty, telling him that Talia was missing, and ran straight for the canal, which had only been filled a couple of days ago. I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, and all I could say was, "Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh." That very day I had told our neighbors about Leorial's 2-year old daughter who had drowned in a canal. Dusty and the neighbors started looking, he in the canal downstream, the neighbor boys upstream, and the girls and mother in the neighborhood. I didn't know what to do. I was crying and walking toward the front of the house, hoping she was in the front. Petra stopped me and said, "I'm sorry, Mommy." What do you say to that? I was too panicked to really reassure her properly, but I didn't blame her in the slightest. I couldn't let her think that this was all her fault, so I told her so, but then I went on looking. I searched the house but she was nowhere. I ran back out to the canal, and was just thinking about calling the police (something that I hesitate to do because deep down I'm afraid of them, which is ridiculous because I've never broken the law in my life), when the neighbors shouted that they had found her. I took her in my arms, crying in shock and relief, and she says, "What's wrong, Mommy?"

The 11 year old neighbor girl had let her walk back to our house by herself through the back ally. She didn't stop at our house, and walked all the way down the ally to the street that intersects ours. The kicker is that she walked right past me and I didn't notice her. Even after she was safe and well at home, I just kept seeing the muddy water of the canal and her brightly colored clothes floating in it.

I want to make all of these pronouncements about how I will never get annoyed with her again, and I will never let her out of my sight again, and how I will just hold her forever and ever. But, I know that any of those things would be a lie. I feel like all I can do is be more cautious, especially when it comes to the non-fenced portion of the backyard and young playmates who might not realize just how little Tal still is. I know all mothers probably go through this sort of thing at one time or another. I just hope that this is the only time it happens to me.